Mexico City, Mexico and Washington, D.C. — Republican candidate for President Donald Trump has been detained by Mexican authorities on news that the U.S. has completed the transfer of $5 billion USD as payment for the permanent retention of Mr. Trump in the country.
On Wednesday, August 31, 2016, while visiting with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, who Trump mistook as a member of the popular 1970s and 80s Latino musical group Menudo, to discuss plans for the construction of a border wall between the two countries as well as get insight on what the appropriate rice to bean ratio a burrito should contain, President Nieto received a note from an aide regarding a very recent receipt of funds into the Mexican treasury. Upon receiving the news, President Nieto quickly summoned several members of the Mexican Federales, who entered the meeting and promptly hauled the candidate to a holding facility. As of this writing the whereabouts of Mr. Trump are still unknown.
“We are shocked to learn today that our candidate, Mr. Trump, has been detained by Mexico as the result of a questionable financial transaction initiated by the Obama administration,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus appearing before reporters in Washington, D.C. “We will sit down immediately with party leaders Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan as well as Vice Presidential candidate Governor Mike Pence to determine an appropriate response to this egregious act.”
Although Chairman Priebus didn’t dismiss outright the possibility of simply replacing Mr. Trump with another candidate for the Republican nomination, like Speaker Ryan or internet meme sensation Grumpy Cat, the chairman held out hope that all efforts would be exhausted to secure the safe return of the party’s beloved rabble rouser in time for the November 8th contest against Democratic rival, former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
White House Spokesman Josh Earnest, speaking on behalf of the Obama Administration, told reporters during the press gaggle that there was “no quid pro quo” with respect to the transfer of $5 billion U.S. dollars to Mexico and the sudden loss of Mr. Trump’s citizenship. “We have no knowledge that a Mr. Trump has ever in fact been a citizen of the United States and from what we understand from our Mexican neighbors, the Donald, err, Mr. Trump has been rightfully returned to his land of birth and origin. Vive libertad,” said Press Secretary Earnest in an awkward nod to Trump’s newfound Mexican heritage.
Mr. Obama, seen at the White House drinking beer with Chairman Priebus and members of the Republican leadership in what has been termed “Beer Summit Part Deux,” had no comments for reporters seeking to confirm the motivation behind the payment transfer and Mr. Trump’s sudden disappearance from the campaign trail. Although meetings between Republicans and the Obama White House have been far and few in between these past several years, the press noted a certain celebratory air and detente between the parties as news of Donald Trump’s detention was passed on to the President and members of his gathering.
A distraught Melania Trump, wife of the expatriated Trump, could not be reached for comment as concerns over her own immigration status began to come into focus with the loss of her husband to Mexican authorities.